Emotions

Teesh is so sweet.
She brought these home for me when I received the phone call about my sister.
Teesh is such a sensitive kind soul

I am sorry but this post must be documented. I have so many activities and events in our family that also need to be documented but this weighs heavily so it must get documented first.
Lara Lee, my sister has struggled with alcohol her entire life. She has good stints and then relapses. I have been distanced from it for many reasons. 1) I am not her "go to" we used to be close but really since I got married there has been distance. Heart breaking but when people push.... you move
2) I don't know the world of addiction and I live so far away I didn't feel the need to learn it.
Which brings me to today.
A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from an unknown number and with all the landscaping and house building I have learned to answer these calls as to keep projects rolling. This time it was a faintly familiar voice. I was walking out of costco at the time and could hardly hear the conversation. In time I realized it was my sweet sister LaraLee. She told me she was living in Bluffdale and was my neighbor and was in rehab. My heart dropped but I didn't let her hear it in my voice. I fought back the tears as I listened to her tell me for the first time she was ready to have family support her and not try to attack this beast by herself.
She asked for a few items to be brought to her and informed me of meetings family could attend to learn more in this process.
and thus we are here now. Every Thursday I have been attending 5 hour meetings that are super helpful and then Sunday its visiting hours from 3-6 and then LaraLee calls a few times a week to just connect.
LaraLee wasn't ready for the family to be informed so I have been doing this solo and its been a huge job but I have strong shoulders(so I thought)
On Wednesday, I get a call from Kyle, LaraLee's ex husband, asking if I could pick him up from the hospital. He had total knee replacement and asked if I could pick him up and then asked if he could stay at my house until Monday. Now if I am being completely honest I wanted to say no but I didn't and this is when it all started heading downhill in the biggest way.
Thursday, when I showed up for class, the therapist Heather asked if I would be willing to process with LaraLee. I told her no problem whatever LaraLee needed I was there. During dinner LaraLee and I sat at the table with another therapist named Kat. She asked about my family life the family I grew up in and I said a few things and she jumped all over it like crazy. I think she is trying to help LaraLee and by getting my view point of our childhood she was giddy with the possibility that there would be some break throughs for Lara.  After dinner, I attend the family section and the family therapist was all over me allowing Kyle to stay at my house and how LaraLee has 4 hours of unsupervised time on Saturday and how I am in charge of her and the tornado just began swirling and swirling. I did not know about this 4 hour visit and I was so frustrated to be put in this situation.
The last hour is where processing happens and everyone is in the room watching and learning from our process. The therapist had LaraLee position people who represented our family all around the room. People were close or not close. People were looking at her or turned away.  It was eye opening to see how LaraLee wanted us in her life. She put Hollie and myself super close to herself but we weren't allowed to look at her. After some more processing LaraLee was asked how she wanted our family dynamics to look. She stated everyone be closer to her and looking at her. She then allowed us to ask her questions. I was challenged by the family therapist to tell LaraLee I was uncomfortable with Kyle staying at my house and getting them together. LaraLee was very upset when the therapist agreed to support me and my decisions to not allow them to get together. She physically shut down and would not interact. I felt so bad but I stuck to my decision.
I asked Pam to go to lunch on Saturday with us as to not have to carry the load alone.  I also called Kyle's kids and told them to come get Kyle asap and he could not be around my house or LaraLee on Saturday. Ruffled a few feathers with the kids but eventually Nate agreed to grab Kyle Saturday morning. I had to care for Kyle Thursday Friday and Saturday morning and I was done. Kyle is a difficult guy for me. He is the reason my sister drinks and relapses and I am caring for him and helping him. I am so torn and so confused and frankly I am mad I allowed myself to be put in this situation.
Saturday, Pam, myself and LaraLee went to Apollo Burger for lunch and then sat and talked. Pam asked some hard deep questions and LaraLee didn't really appreciate the questions but we got through them. Pam had a BYU football game so I finished up shopping with Lara and them took her back to Renissanse Ranch.
As I was driving home I completely lost it. I had to pull over on the side of the road and literally cry cry and cry until I could not cry anymore. So many realizations took place. I took a deep honest look and I know Kyle is the most important relationship LaraLee wants. I also know that when Kyle is around LaraLee drinks. She admitted if she drinks again she will die and she asked me to take her to him. Basically she asked me to much from me. During lunch I asked Lara Lee if she really cared if I was there for class or not. She shrugged her shoulders and said only if you want to I am fine either way.  It stung!!! I quit book club to support her. I have neglected my babies for her and to find out all I am is vehicle to get her to him my heart couldn't do it. Several Sundays I would show up and a friend would come or Kyle would show up and she would ask me to leave as to not make it awkward for anyone.
Reality checks can be painful. So today I am in search of a sponsor for me. No one has my back NO ONE. I have told a few family members and you want to know how much support they have given me (maybe one phone call) When Laurie the family therapist actually stood up for me and had my back in class was the first time in my life I have felt like someone truly cared. She encouraged me to get a sponsor and set boundaries and so I am. If you don't put me as a priority in your life I won't put you. I am done doing what I "should" so you will be my friend. Its a changing day in my life and it will be hard and I will lose people who I thought were friends even family members who probably won't be in my life much anymore but for the first time in my life I matter and if you can't handle that its your issue.
Friendship is a two way street and my road is open always and forever but when the path is more worn on my end our friendship will be reexamined.
Man this week was hard!! Decisions and progress will always be the best in the end though.

HBD Breeta

Someone special had a birthday.......

BRIA PAIGE

It is still a little foggy for my brain to think that this cutie is 11. That's one year from Young Women's. One year from junior high. I have been down this road and I know where it ends up.....

Happy Birthday my little miracle durla. We are so blessed to have you in our family. You are so kind and compassionate and a friend to all.

We held the annual spanking machine for the bday girl. She secretly loves this but tries to not show it. Just one of the cutest things about Bria. Jaren and his family has participated in the spanking machine for as long as I can remember I love traditions.

 Bria insisted to open her gifts before school even though I tried my best to persuade her to wait ha ha. Ada gave her a super thoughtful gift, some long awaited stuffed animals. One can never possess enough stuffed critters haha

 Mom and Dad gave Bria a Lego Friends set and a giant pug. Jamie gave Bria a Twix candy bar and then what ada gave are what are on display.

 After school, Gma Hansen made it down for our adventure to Pizza Pie Cafe (Bria most favorite restaurant)

 Because it was the birthday girl's special day she was gifted this gigantic cookie topped with all the good stuff. Bria was in heaven. You deserve it angel girl. I love you and am so proud of you. Thanks for being you and blessing our lives. Gma gave Bria a bath towel, hand towel, and wash cloth. Bria being the sweet girl she is privately asked me what was the gift she had received. She didn't want to hurt gmas feelings but she was confused ha ha. I love my Breeta girl!

After the restaurant, Bria had her first class with UP with Kids. It's a community theater program that meets weekly and they perform in May. I am excited for Bria to excel in this area. She really is enjoying it just not on her birthday poor girl. I stayed home and made her a cake. 
James joined in on the fun once Bria returned and we all enjoyed a cookies and cream cake with cookies and cream frosting (thanks pinterest) 
I think yet again another birthday goes down in the books as a success.
Happy Happy Birthday  Bria dear. I hope all your dreams come true.

Out of the Nest

Bittersweet day......college move out day. 

We have raised the girls to be self-sufficient and independent. So why is it so dang hard to move these sweet girls out on their own. Mommas you get it though right? 

 Malia Ruth is so ready for this next phase and she will rock it. 

She is living in Branbury Complex in Provo and is attending UVU. 

She worked so hard and as long as she keeps her GPA at a level(no concerns she won't) she will literally get paid to earn her degree. Busting my buttons over here!!!

 Malia fasten your seatbelt girl. This year is going to be the best time of your life. My college time was so fun. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Those who don't get the opportunity to move out, live on their own, attend college and just truly spend this time for themselves are really missing out.. Such a great opportunity and one I will strongly encourage all to take. You learn the most about yourself during this time. Be selfish. You can. Its the right time to me selfish and decide who you want to be. You have a clean slate and you can write the story of your new life at college. So fun!!!

 Of course, Malia has her elephant Jamie got her to keep her comfy since I can't be close by to cuddle ha ha. We all know I am the one she will be seeking to cuddle by the way

 Introducing Bailey. Malia's room roommate. So kind. So compassionate. So exactly what Malia needs. She has called me twice the first month telling me how much she absolutely loves Bailey and she is exactly what she needs to keep her calm and happy. I love it when life works out well.

 Teesh went down with me to help Malia get unpacked and settled. It truly was an evening to remember. I love spending time with my durlas.

 Home Sweet Home

 See this little beauty? 

Every college student should be sent to college with this. 

Malia's roommate from Kentucky had it and we used it so much. Christmas is for practical boring gifts once you start college. Ha ha

I am preparing my list now.....

House Building; Step by Step.... part 2

The first building a house post is getting long so let's divide it shall we.  So much has happened! Our house looks like a house ha ha. 

I am beginning ever so slightly to find my decorations. I have had my eye out for these beauties so when I found them I didn't hesitate and bonus they were even 50% off. Score! I will paint them black but oh my goodness I just think they are the cutest little decorations. No one will have to question where the powder room is unless of course you don't identify with either gender I found this sign for you.

Choosing my floor has been by far the hardest for me. I find what I like only to doubt it a few days later. Initially I decided on the one on the right but it just wasn't singing to my soul. When I found the one on the left, it was the one. I chose this in the pre-mortal existence. It was an upgrade...side note....when you build a house you get use to the phrase "that will be an upgrade" there are options that come as standard (included in the price first suggested for purchase of house) but those are usually the less than desired options at least for this girlie. So my little upgraded floor will set me back $7K but it's my entire main floor, I gotta love it right.

My cabinets are the darker looking piece of wood. The cabinet builder is making my cabinets for the first time. The color I wanted was an ebony color (super dark brown) he calls it black beauty and I will have solid fronts, no design for this girlie.

 So much richer in color and the variations of patterns has my heart palpitating. We are not having any tile in our house..none, zero, zilch. Grout is just not our thing. We have hardwood, carpet and vinyl  throughout the house and in our showers and bathrooms we have cultured marble. Oh it's gorgeous. I promise I will show a finish product I promise.

 This is my sad opportunity to decide on a stain for my banister with my floor and cast iron rods. I think it will look nice. I shared with several friends and family what they thought and it was unanimous they all liked my new flooring. The floor on the bottom is the one I first decided on. Much better choice to change it, don't you think. In the different lighting it looks brown but its a combination of brown and grey, weird I know but its so beautiful.

 So imagine the white wood spindles removed and replace it with black cast iron going horizontal. Its not a huge contrast with my stain and cast iron but it looks so good. I am just so excited. If you are wondering where I am, I am in a home recently built in the neighborhood just a few houses down from ours. No one lives there yet so I use this house to create my dreams. ha ha

 Nate is such a trooper always available for helping me visualize my dreams.

 We have a roof with shingles and a front door and all the windows installed now. We even have door knobs that lock. Its getting real folks.

 We had what Hard Rock calls 4way. It is where Corby and I went through the house and examined every plug and every thing you can imagine. Making sure things are where they are supposed to be. It was so fun because when we finished we went to the model house and decided cabinets and fine tuned the details in the kitchen and laundry room. I love love love designing this house. It is just a blank slate and I have added color and design to my hearts desire. When I say "I", which I do a lot, I am fully aware it should be we but Corby has been very hands off. He knows I have ideas and he is happy to take the back seat. He will design our landscape and other things but for the kitchen he is "go for it honey, design away"

I chose my granite this week too. Use your imagination dark cabinets, brushed nickel handles and this this for countertops. I know, right!!!

 I have felt on top of the building process. A step ahead of their questions and feeling so prepared until this week. So I was thinking about window coverings and thinking what exactly do I want. I thought I would call a few places and hear their opinions on what's the best for my purposes. Well, first place I called was talking about motorized shades. I am like yes, tell me more and more. Long story, if I want motorized I have to have the wiring completed before sheet rock can happen. Well this was Wednesday and I have sheetrock happening Monday. Yikes! I made a few calls and was told well  I can try but its probably not going to happen. I seriously visualized it happening and prayed and kept the faith. Well Monday I got a call asking where do I need the wires. 

People pray works. 

God cares about the little things. He heard and answered my pleas. It's the little small things that tell me God knows me. I don't have any photos but we will have plantation shutters in the front and shades on the back. The motor will be attached to a transformer and it will work off a remote. So when I want to open my windows while I lay in bed I push a button and wha la I have sunshine or not. Spoiled I know. I tell ya you will love them and they are the new way in window coverings. I have what they refer to as a smart house ha ha.

I will add sheetrock photos the second I see those bad boys being hung. Can you even wait? I know I can't. We are approximately 60-75 days to move in.

We are getting our existing house ready for the market. We realize we will be homeless for a month or so but that's why we have a trailer, you think I am kidding but I really am not.  I at first was going to do the work of staining our cabinets and painting our walls but I have found several people who have very reasonable bids and frankly I just don't have the time. Cross fingers that they can get the work done in the next few weeks as the goal is to have our house on the market end of May. Can you believe it?

Tulip Festival

Teesh has been a little go getter this year. She has signed up for many races. She has a half marathon on June 9th. It's how she is choosing to celebrate turning 23, thats my girl Teeth LaReesh. Can you even believe the gorgeous tulips behind Teesh. Oh they are stunning. 

Teesh and I ran for 3 consecutive years the Thanksgiving Pointe Half. Such a beautiful course, super hard course but it was beautiful with the tulips. This year they discontinued it. Sad, but Teesh ran the 5K in our memory. Of course I was there to cheer my girl on. She did so good. She has been struggling with a knee issue and so she didn't want to push herself too much in prep for her half. So she was happy with her time and I say, you finished right? You did better than all those who chose to not run. So you are a winner always.

 Isn't this tree just so beautiful. I take photos of anything that stands out to me. Ha ha designing a home and yard is all time consuming I warned you.

Teesh is #434

I am so proud of Teesh. Good job honey! I will always be on your team and be your biggest cheerleader. Keep going after your goals and sometimes you get rewarded with chocolate milk and cookies. Love you my angel durla.

It's a good day

This week is full to capacity.

Malia and the seminary council spoke in our sacrament meeting. It's an amazing experience if you ever get to  listen do! The spirit was untouchable and to hear the youth in action lets you know our futures will be just fine. I know this generation gets a bad rep and rightfully so, entitled, lazy, the whole bit is true I have witnessed it but there are some amazing youth as well. The seminary council is made up of the cream of the crop. They each spoke on how Seminary has changed their lives and how we can find peace in Christ. 10 of the council spoke and then we headed to our house for breakfast burritos. That's kind of my go to for large gatherings. They can be made ahead of time and who doesn't like cheese, sausage, egg and salsa?

 and I get to use my Christmas present from my parents. It's a 3 crockpot system for serving food. I loved this gift and loved even more an opportunity to use it.

 After the youth, left we got Malia all Purdy and headed to the capital and downtown for her senior photo shoot. This girl is photogenic. I will post when I get them back for sure. Ada wanted to join me so she came with us. She was entertaining herself as I timed her running up and down this gigantic flight of stairs.

 haha not even close to the professionals shots but I wanted to post a glimpse of this gorgeous girl. 

 Monday I had class until noon then met Corby at the new house to do what is called 4 way. We go through E V E R Y T H I N G making sure things are the way they need to be. It was so fun. To see the final project just around the corner. I have kept an ongoing list of the tiniest things and I am so grateful I did. It is impossible to remember everything so to have it written made this process slick. I have more electrical plugs than you ever think but friends I have plans. No more extension cords hanging on the side of the cabinets for decor above. You will see I have thought of everything (I should seeing how I have been designing this house for 12 years ha ha) I had to leave early to get Malia to the international health department for her shots required to travel to the Dominican Republic next month. It took so long Corby had to grab the littles from NPA. The evening was full of homework and more decisions on the house. FYI...if you plan to build prepare yourself to make about 30 decisions daily and I am not kidding so much is involved. Good thing I am quick on my feet as to what I want.
On Tuesday, we were able to watch Malia accept her Keys To Success Scholarship and try for a chance at a brand new car. She secured the scholarship but car slipped through her fingertips. We had a company come out to measure our countertops in this house. We will be renovating it before we sell it. Plan to stain cabinets and banister, replace countertops, add backsplash and redo the hardwood floor. We also plan to fix all the little things that are looking old. We have a neighbor who is amazing and is willing to do all the odd jobs. I will stain the cabinets and banister.  Yikes! It just feels more real some days and today is one of those. My visiting teachers stopped in and we had a great conversation. Neither of them knew we were moving so that was fun to talk about. I haven't been vocal for many reasons but judgement is the biggest. I am not one that cares too much what others think but certain topics I haven't managed as well as I would like. Building my dream home is one of those topics. I will be perfectly honest about my house. It is large. It is extreme in some areas. I have a large family. Once my girls are all married and find mates and each have 3 kids my immediate family will be 27 people. I need a space for my children to feel comfortable. Every square inch has been thought and used to the best of our ability. It has a lot of special features because that fits our lives. I cook a lot. I have a lot of kitchen gadgets, its my passion to cook and prepare fun fancy meals. I need space to make that happen. I can honestly tell you I have never designed any portion of this house with the thought "oh so and so will be jealous or I am better than someone else". To each their own, this house is my dream if yours is different I embrace that and celebrate with you. End of line. The house is expensive (most houses are) Corby does well financially. We are prepared for this house and we will have it paid off in 5 years. There those are my true feelings. So when you read this next part you'll understand better.
Corby shared with his mom our house by allowing her to walk around it. She was quiet while there but has not shut her mouth since. It hurts our feelings and I need to not let it but it does. She has nothing but negative to say. Can't we all follow Thumpers rules "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" She called my children brats and said that we are just trying to be better than the rest of the family and she said my youngest reminds her of my Sierra and they are both brats. I am jaw dropped shocked. What grandma says that about her grandchildren? She dropped in on Malia's birthday and after spending a few hours here that was her outcome. We are just ok with her spending less time with our family. Corby is just so hurt and I am not shocked. Kathleen rarely has anything nice to say about others, especially us. She is a bitter old woman who can't find true happiness. So thanks Grandma. We will see you the next time someone else invites you because you aren't welcome in our house or lives. Peace out!

Sorry real raw moments .....

We signed up Bria and Ada for tennis lessons. It's been fun to watch talents develop and mature. Bria has promising talent and I am thrilled as we keep striking out on extracurricular activities that spark interest. Their instructor is one of a kind. So funny, kind, and information for the class.  There are 8 students in class and they meet twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday. Ada enjoys class but her heart is still 100% on dance. She will try out in June for a new dance studio.

Wednesday we had piano and homework and enjoyed being home with little to do. That evening we had an air purifier company come out to talk to us about our new home. Long story short it was a rainbow vacuum salesman and we all had a great laugh as we own a rainbow and have for the past 22 years. In the end, he offered a great deal to upgrade our old machine and we jumped. The new machine is so much nicer. Lots of improvements and I am excited for a new home with a new rainbow. I am super excited about the air purifier system. I have a cough that won't go away and I fear it is allergies. So lets give this product a try.

Thursday was Ada's field trip and then tennis after school and then we raced to co-ed softball social. My calling is stake sports specialist and I have grouped with a few other stakes to play our sports. We just don't have the manpower to get the sports program on its own feet. So Brooke and I have organized a system that seems to work. We wanted to all meet before our first game next week so a social was born. I made a huge bowl of potato salad and everyone brought side dishes and we roasted hot dogs. It was such a fun evening. For a tiny minute I thought man why am I moving I love these tribe of people I have now. Of course thats how it goes huh, it's all good and I hope to get the sports program up and running in my new ward. I made some great friends that night but had to leave before we could get a game of softball started. I had to meet with Tracey, our photographer, she took Malia's photos on Sunday. They far exceeded our expectations. So so good. 

I spend every spare minute making decision for the house. It was a good week!

This is the Place Park

Our school goes on one field trip per grade level each year. Each year they ask for chaperones and I do my darnedest to be available for this high sought after experience to earn my volunteer hours. So far I am batting 100% in being chosen. I love the one on one time with my nuggets and I love getting to see them with their peers. Have you been to This is the Place Park? It's seriously such a cool place. It might look like they don't offer much but man when you get inside that's not the truth on any level. So many buildings and each holds an employee dressed in proper time attire filled with knowledge that is just mind blowing. We get to go inside the houses and see how they lived. In one tiny little one room home there was a family of 12. Only the parents get a bed and the children slept on the floor. Boys slept in a loft. There was a petting zoo. The children got to pet a chick, baby goat, sheep, and rabbit. So soft and absolutely adorable. 

 We ate lunch in the park. Ada was stoked to get her lunchable. Those babies are reserved for special days and a field trip constitutes a special day.

 Here we learned about how at the young age of 3 the children begin chores. 3 year olds churn the butter, 7-8 year olds milk the cows. This lady was so cute in her knowledge and was patient with the children and their curiousity.

 We rode a train around the entire park and saw some super cool things and learned great history.

 Here's my co-wart. 

Love my Ada Rae and her personality.

 baby horse and it's momma

 This activity was how the little kids learned how to milk a cow. They would apply just enough pressure to help the bear shimmy up the rope. Creative minds those pioneers had.

 Ada and her friend Kennidee, two peas in a pod.

I didn't get any photos but we also learned how to do laundry and plant gardens. We also learned how to spin wool and make clothes. Did you know one pair of socks took about 15 hours to create. We are so lucky to enjoy the modern conveniences of this day.

I loved being with Ada all day. She is so fun. Her little laugh and grin bring a smile to my face daily. She is so much like Sierra. I have to take a double take often to remember its not de ja vue

Love that my schedule is free to attend field trips and support my girls. Love them all so much