Six years this November

Keeping with the theme of this blog being our journal, I am trying to update the journal parts of the past few years. I try to think of the things I want my girls to know and remember about their parents. This decision Corby and I made almost 6 years ago has changed everything about our lives, some for the better, some for worse, but can't change the past just learn from mistakes. I absolutely believe that everything happens for a reason and that we have the choice to learn and grow or become weak and bitter.
Corby and I were introduced to a group called Bounce Night. We were interviewed by a couple of men who started the gathering to see if you were the kind of people they wanted in the group. It was a welcomed phone call when we were told we had passed and were welcome to come to Bounce Night the following Tuesday evening. At the time, Malia, being our youngest, it was easy to have date night on Tuesday and the girls could stay at home alone. The meeting was held in a palatial house at first, then the group continued to grow until we eventually had to find a business. Week after week we would "bounce" different money making ideas off each other. You could share of an opportunity you were considering to invest in with others. Others would share what they knew or didn't about the topic. It was such a great evening to be surrounded by like minded individuals. Eventually Corby and I were approached with multiple different investment opportunities. We prayed and fasted and did our due diligence on each company only to find great reviews and ultimately felt good inside to go forward. 
1)The first company was with oil investing in Montana. We had $25,000 in the bank and freely handed it over. We figured we would get back our initial investment in two years using the pay scale we were quoted. 

2)The second investment was with a lady named Emma Golding. She had real estate and several others opportunities. We gave her $50,000.

3)The third investment was real estate. The company was called REO Landmark. We gave them $13,000 and bought two homes. The company would fix up, rent and take care of all the business portion since the homes were not in state. The homes would be sold on a note and in 3 to 5 years the note would mature and we would walk away with $20 to $30k.

4) The final investment was for foreign exchange. This company we invested $65,000.

 5) We invested with different start up internet companies at this same time. We just invested every last dollar we had access to.

So the concept was do nothing and let your money make you millions, right? Well, we knew it wasn't that simple but we also were hoping by taking a risk it would pay off and we could have a nice savings for our future. In the beginning, we would receive checks every month right on time. We were bringing in over $8,000 of passive income. We were smart and would apply the bulk of the money to paying ourselves back. We used up our savings as well as took out a second mortgage to invest. Our house had over $100k equity so we dipped into it and invested the money. We did the math and with the numbers we were quoted we would have paid all the debt back in less than 5 years.
 The first year was smooth sailing and we were able to make some good payments and enjoy life a bit more. We never were super out of control, but we did enjoy life more than we had ever before.
Obviously all good things have to come to an end and  our good things did slowly do just that. At first the payments were a little late, but they still arrived but eventually the payments ceased. We were stuck with over $183,000 worth of debt. It was an unbelievable amount of minimum monthly payments and I knew then and there we would lose our home and become homeless. I can't describe the feelings I had when I realized the magnitude of our one decision.
Corby and I sat down and figured out a budget, a strict no excess budget, and began living with bare essentials. During this time as well, Ada was born and in the NICU for a month which resulted in another $10k bill for us to absorb. We never even considered bankruptcy. We made this decision and we felt it was only right to pay back the money we borrowed.
6 years later we have $102,000 left of the $183,000 to pay back. We still own one of the two homes in Minnesota and they pay every month a couple of hundred dollars but the note will be closer to 20 years before it matures but we will take it!
I feel so blessed because we have not missed one payment on any of our monthly obligations.
I have struggled with why we would feel good about doing something that the Lord knew would not work out. I have felt abandoned by him. I have felt betrayed. I have struggled with these feelings for many years. 
One day I felt prompted to read out of the Ensign, I opened it to an article on adoption. I was like, "OK, hello I am not adopting another kid, I have 5 already and can barely take care of them". I continued to feel like I needed to read from the magazine. I turned the page to the Parable of the BlackBerry Bush. 
In a nutshell, this parable is about a little 2 year old boy who had wandered off in the backyard of his mother's friend's house. The mother, being unfamiliar with the surroundings, went looking for her small child. She could hear him whimpering and rushed to his side. He was tangled up in the thorns of a blackberry bush. She was able to free her son but noticed he had bruises and scratches and was bleeding from the thorns. The mother was angry with God that he would allow her precious innocent son to have to suffer such useless pain. While she was criticizing God, she could hear running water in the near distance. She walked to the edge of where her son was found only to see a fast flowing river just feet from her son. She realized then that the bush actually saved her son's life.
 I felt the spirit engulf me as I read. I know that we had to be tangled in the thorns to keep us safe from something much worse a few feet away. I believe this to be true. Yes, the thorns(debt) are painful. Yes, have we had to do much less in our life because of this decision, Yes, but you know what if we had more money would we be worse off? What if we did invest with a different bigger amount and we couldn't recover. Yes, $183k is a lot of money but you know, we will recover.
The long story here is we made a foolish mistake, one we will never forget but I believe the things we have learned couldn't have been learned in any other way. Our kids will be better off not getting everything they possibly could have been given if we didn't have $1,000's of dollars going to pay off debt each month. The Lord is merciful, he provides us with the exact to get by with and a few wants every now and then. Some days do I pray he will take this trial from me, absolutely! I know he won't but the lessons I have learned and continue to learn are priceless.
We are tracking to be debt free of this 2nd mortgage in 4 years. I can't say this past 6 years has been fun, but it has been a learning experience and a faith builder. I believe I am a different individual because of this decision and I hope that I am allowing this to help me be a better person and a stronger person.
 Three cheers for trials, hurray, hurray, hurray. (Especially when the trials are almost over)
I say this with fingers crossed that nothing else goes wrong in these next 4 years!

Snow

We had our first snow storm this weekend,  we bundled up and went out to play. It snowed and snowed and the girls were just dying to get outside so after all the work of finding the snow pants, boots, hats, mittens, coats and scarfs for four girls we were ready to make snow angels and use our awesome sled. The girls played and played while I made hot cocoa for when they decided to come in. Teesh joined in later but wasn't out in the snow with us because she was at a meeting.

Bria and Sierra making snow angels

Ada making sure the girls are ok and Sierra holding her arms out for Ada to pull her up, huh wonder how that will turn out.

Malia and Ada pulling Sierra on the sled

 

 Ada second guessing being outside

 Sierra giving Bria a ride and Malia trying to make a snow fort

 Sierra took a corner too fast and her passenger took a nose dive

 That face plant was all she needed to come in to warm up

Bria telling every one how old she is

 Ada and Teesh enjoying the first cup of cocoa

 It didn't take long and everyone else followed

 Hot hot cocoa, I got a bit carried away

Bria not exactly happy, who knows why!

Sierra wants me to make sure I show that she is a part of our family every once in awhile.

Future Beautician

 I just had to blog about this phase little Ada Rae is in right now. It cracks me up, everyday I do her hair and at some point throughout the day I will find this orange flower barrette in her hair. She grabs a section of hair to the side and attaches the orange flower.

 The flower has no purpose, it just hangs on the side of her head. It looks like it hurts some days but don't try to take it out or adjust it to be purposeful, she will have a melt down. So day after day there the orange flower sits on the side of Ada's head.

 Teesh is caught with her tongue out trying to get Ada to stay still for my photo shoot.

 Here is a good shot of what it looks like. See no purpose but she loves it. I am not even sure where the blessed flower came from but it is being used for a great purpose.

My sweet little Ada Rae, I love you and your hair designs. Maybe she will start a trend and become famous!

Thoughts

I am having one of "those days". Corby is gone to an early morning meeting(usually 6am, poor guy) and Malia is at a meeting while the two young rug rats are creating messes fun in their room. Teesh and Sierra are still in bed. I want to talk. Anyone up for listening? My life is so different than what I imagined it to be at this point.I am not sure what I thought it would be like but I guess personally I am disappointed. I will have been married 19 years come Feb. I have 5 beautiful daughters, a healthy body that does what I want it to do for the most part, I have enough money for my needs and with creativity some of my wants(let's be honest here, I have a lot of wants actually, pretty much if I want something I save or work to earn it, I'm not boasting I'm just stating facts.) 
Anyway, back to topic of my discontent life. Is this the midlife crisis I have read about? I am not content and I am not sure why. I have so much to be grateful for and trust me I am grateful. I just thought I would feel different at this point. Why do I not have that inner peace I use to enjoy? Why don't I thoroughly enjoy the things of the past? what is it? What is going on with me? I hesitate to put this out there but I am going to anyway. I don't believe in my church that I have belonged to for my entire life anymore. Gasp, I said it, I don't!  Now now, don't get your panties in wad, I am not apostatizing or anything I am absolutely committed to the gospel but the church not so much. Is it because of the people? Maybe. Is it because of the experiences I continue to have? Maybe. I do know this, it is a package deal, I can't have the parts I believe in without the church and that is what makes it so hard. The church is made up of hypocritical people who judge and ostracize others. Is that what Jesus teaches when he says to live as I do?  I love the temple more than words can express. I love it! I use to go weekly. It is the only place that gives me peace these days. I can't have the temple without the church, why? I just want to surround myself with love and acceptance.
I hate despise Sundays! I am an anxious ball of feelings the closer church time comes and by the time I leave the building I am exhausted.  Because of Corby's calling, I am alone most every week. Thank goodness for my little 5 and 6 year old primary children who love me. Little children love unconditionally and accept, I think there is something about the scripture that states to become as a little child. 
 I study my lessons and the sweet spirit fills my heart that the gospel is true. I would be lost without the scriptures and modern day prophets. I love President Monson. I know he is a true prophet. See my turmoil, can I just worship my own way and not have to deal with the Sunday drama? Mondays are such a relief but by Friday the anxiety begins to build. I use to be so involved in the weekly activities and gatherings. I avoid them at all costs now. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I love the Lord. I don't question this is his gospel but sometimes I think men's wants interfere with God's ways. I feel like the area I live in is ran by tradition more than inspiration. Just thoughts that I want my children to know about me. I have a testimony of this gospel girls, I love the Lord, I cherish the scriptures especially the Book of Mornon, I follow our prophet whether it is hard or easy, I keep my covenants with the Lord religiously and I would be lost without the guidance given from our leaders.  I love the gospel I just don't love nor believe in the traditions of the church.Church is not a social situation. It is to renew your covenants you personally make with the Lord and where you learn of Christ.

Mixing it up!

With our crazy schedules we rarely do anything spontaneous, there just isn't a lot of wiggle room with the older girls schedules.  It was Thursday and everyone was home with no obligations and all homework complete so we jumped in the Yukon and headed to see a movie. Bria and Ada sadly have never been to a theater so they were confused and were asking a lot of questions. Sierra drove, that is her no found place in our family vehicle. I sit in the back stressed out. She is a good driver just a daring driver and it stresses me out royally.
We made the night extra special and purchased popcorn, yes we were going all out at the dollar theater. We decided on Brave. It was a cartoon and Bria was glued to the screen. She was mesmerized by the whole experience. Ada, on the other hand, had no interest. She had to hold the popcorn and wanted something every few minutes. I was getting so frustrated with her but this is just a season that I will miss, maybe! The movie was cute, what I could see anyway.

 I took a quick shot of the girls, memories. Sierra said I am so embarrassing and weird. You'll thank me one day little Magera. Teesh you'll get more out of the movie with your eyes open, ha ha. I should be a comedian.

 Corby took this without telling me, sheesh, give a woman a warning! Ada with her popcorn and Bria preparing for the new adventure.

In our theme of mixing it up, I also took the oldest three to the play "Wicked-er" at Desert Star Playhouse. My friend, Kammie, got discount tickets if we went as a group so she organized this great afternoon for us at an awesome price. The play is a spoof on "Wicked". Seeing how my girls nor myself have seen "Wicked", I worried we would not understand the humor, but it all worked out. I thought it to be funny but the girls don't get that kind of humor and didn't think it was as funny as I did. Am I getting old? Have I arrived to that place in life where just experience replayed in a humorous way is funny? Guess my train has arrived and frankly I am ok with it. 
After the play, we dropped Malia off at Avery's house for a birthday party and Sierra wanted to hang with friends so Corby, myself, Teesh and two youngest headed to Lehi for a wedding reception. Amanda Fox got married. The reception had dancing and our little ones really got into it. I have a video of little Ada, it was priceless to watch them. Kids are great, no inhibitions, just do what you want. I love that about Bria and Ada. Teesh videoed them for me. Our families met when we both lived in Magna. Such good down-to-earth folks and dear friends to us. It was a great evening of memory flooding and reacquainting with dear old friends. When we lived in Magna, I belonged. I had friends. I felt accepted. I felt loved. When we felt the impression to move 8 years ago it was bittersweet. I knew it was time for the next phase in our lives but it was just so good. Where we live now I have nothing of the same feelings, I don't belong, I don't feel accepted and I definitely don't have unconditional love. I know we were to move here and still to this day I don't know why. It has been hard since day one. Sorry, tangent! The reception was just such a breath of fresh air, I loved that evening.

On the way home from Lehi, we stopped in at Jaren and Cindy's for our weekend ritual of Slide 5 and Five Crowns. Sierra's plans fell through so she spent the evening alone at our house. I wish Sierra would spend more time with us but friends are important as a teenager but hopefully one day she will see we are pretty good company too! Malia had a great time getting her first mani and pedi and going to a full price movie. Thank goodness others provide our children with full price experiences! Malia came home all smiles, it is good to see her have friends again since Lucy moved.

What a fun week to do a few out of the routine experiences.

Trichotillomania

Are you scratching your head and saying uuuuuuh! That big long word means pulling your hair out.
I have debated with this post but feel it is something I want in our family records.  My sweet little Malia Ruth has overcame such a hard situation so I would like to share it.

Two years ago this December, I noticed Malia had some thinning spots on the top of her head. I noticed it, but didn't give it much thought. By February it was a big concern. Corby and I were going on a cruise with my side of the family to celebrate my parent's 50th wedding anniversary in March. I called LDS Family Services to schedule an appointment but with Corby and I leaving they wouldn't even put her on the waiting list. It was frustrating and I didn't understand their reasoning's but needless to say, I was able to finally get Malia into see the therapist in April. UGH!~
Her therapist name was Becki Hennessey. Malia had a real connection with Becki from the very start. Becki taught Malia a lot and I could see progress but in the end Malia still struggled with the issue. After almost a year of counseling, with no real success, Becki encouraged me to find a different therapist for Malia. Apparently LDS Family Services doesn't use the latest discoveries so we were trying to help Malia by not using the appropriate techniques. I was super frustrated to have spent all that money and time for nothing. I felt like the therapist should have told me that cognitive therapy isn't the best method for this condition. So I did my own research and  I made over 50 different phone calls and interviewed several therapists until  I  found one that I felt would help Malia the most. We made an appointment at the Trauma Awareness Center to see Michelle.
Malia was a bit nervous because Michelle had tattoos. I asked Malia why she was nervous, she honestly responded, "Mom, I am going into Young Women's and if I need to talk about it will she understand?" I reassured her Michelle would and if she had questions Malia could answer them and teach her about the Young Women's program. Such a sweet little spirit my Malia is.
Michelle helped Malia to be able to relax and she taught her about Rapid Eye Movement and Thought Field Therapy. I know this sounds hokey but it worked. Malia met with Michelle about 8 or 9 times, so a little over two months, and Malia hasn't pulled her hair since.
When I was first learning about this condition I assumed it was a direct result of a traumatic situation and it was Malia's coping strategy but in the end it came down to Malia needing to learn how to relax and process things differently. Malia is an overachiever. She is absolutely one of the hardest workers I know. She gives everything she does 100% . I am so thankful for Michelle and her process to give Malia the relaxation tools she deserves to enjoy life. It has almost been a year and she has not had one relapse. Which by the way is huge! Most who suffer from this condition only have a 50% recovery rate and at that most never fully conquer it.
I did not take pictures of Malia when her hair was the thinnest but we did eventually have to cut Malia's hair to allow it to grow back. Malia was reluctant at first to get her hair cut but after she thought about it she agreed and then after it was cut she said she loved that she didn't have to wear a ponytail and slick it down with hairspray.
I am so proud of you Malia for being strong and conquering hard things. You are simply amazing little one!

 Here is Malia sporting her new do

Love it Malia, I secretly hope you keep your hair short!

Breeta

I need to write a short post on my daughter, Bria Paige. She almost had a near death experience last night. So we had our family photos taken back in August and we seriously have been so busy I am just getting around to printing them and updating our frames. Anyway, this time around I decided it would be great to do a gallery wrapped canvas instead of framing. I have to say I found a great little shop who does professional work and charges next to nothing. So, I got our family picture in sepia in a 24x36 and one of just the girls in color 16x20. I picked them up and had them positioned where I wanted them on the wall. I left them unattended to make dinner. Sierra and Teesh came home from school and Sierra was teasing and tormenting Bria throughout the night. So what does Bria do? She poked holes in Sierra's face through the canvas. I didn't know if I should laugh or beat the child(disclaimer don't turn me in, I wouldn't beat them........... ...too bad)
So when you come by you'll notice Sierra looks a bit different due to Bria's artwork but it is what it is!

 Sorry for the picture of the picture but I am an amateur at this.

 These were taken before Bria got to them. The memories that Bria creates. I just love the kid