Thoughts

I am having one of "those days". Corby is gone to an early morning meeting(usually 6am, poor guy) and Malia is at a meeting while the two young rug rats are creating messes fun in their room. Teesh and Sierra are still in bed. I want to talk. Anyone up for listening? My life is so different than what I imagined it to be at this point.I am not sure what I thought it would be like but I guess personally I am disappointed. I will have been married 19 years come Feb. I have 5 beautiful daughters, a healthy body that does what I want it to do for the most part, I have enough money for my needs and with creativity some of my wants(let's be honest here, I have a lot of wants actually, pretty much if I want something I save or work to earn it, I'm not boasting I'm just stating facts.) 
Anyway, back to topic of my discontent life. Is this the midlife crisis I have read about? I am not content and I am not sure why. I have so much to be grateful for and trust me I am grateful. I just thought I would feel different at this point. Why do I not have that inner peace I use to enjoy? Why don't I thoroughly enjoy the things of the past? what is it? What is going on with me? I hesitate to put this out there but I am going to anyway. I don't believe in my church that I have belonged to for my entire life anymore. Gasp, I said it, I don't!  Now now, don't get your panties in wad, I am not apostatizing or anything I am absolutely committed to the gospel but the church not so much. Is it because of the people? Maybe. Is it because of the experiences I continue to have? Maybe. I do know this, it is a package deal, I can't have the parts I believe in without the church and that is what makes it so hard. The church is made up of hypocritical people who judge and ostracize others. Is that what Jesus teaches when he says to live as I do?  I love the temple more than words can express. I love it! I use to go weekly. It is the only place that gives me peace these days. I can't have the temple without the church, why? I just want to surround myself with love and acceptance.
I hate despise Sundays! I am an anxious ball of feelings the closer church time comes and by the time I leave the building I am exhausted.  Because of Corby's calling, I am alone most every week. Thank goodness for my little 5 and 6 year old primary children who love me. Little children love unconditionally and accept, I think there is something about the scripture that states to become as a little child. 
 I study my lessons and the sweet spirit fills my heart that the gospel is true. I would be lost without the scriptures and modern day prophets. I love President Monson. I know he is a true prophet. See my turmoil, can I just worship my own way and not have to deal with the Sunday drama? Mondays are such a relief but by Friday the anxiety begins to build. I use to be so involved in the weekly activities and gatherings. I avoid them at all costs now. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I love the Lord. I don't question this is his gospel but sometimes I think men's wants interfere with God's ways. I feel like the area I live in is ran by tradition more than inspiration. Just thoughts that I want my children to know about me. I have a testimony of this gospel girls, I love the Lord, I cherish the scriptures especially the Book of Mornon, I follow our prophet whether it is hard or easy, I keep my covenants with the Lord religiously and I would be lost without the guidance given from our leaders.  I love the gospel I just don't love nor believe in the traditions of the church.Church is not a social situation. It is to renew your covenants you personally make with the Lord and where you learn of Christ.