I have so many thoughts all the time swarming my head. Some are productive but most honestly are just damaging to my spirit. I have really never talked about this part of me but for the sake of my posterity I feel it should be documented. I would never want my girls to grow up thinking I never had a bad day or allowed my emotions to get the best of me. Trust me, more now than ever, I let my emotions get the best of me. I cover them well but they are oh so present. I will be vulnerable but that's how I work, I don't pretend and I don't cover up. I am a straight shooter and I am often criticized for it. It's always been an interesting fact, with some people who tend to be more sensitive, that I am expected to change because I make them feel uncomfortable. I bought into this crap for most of my life but about 2 years ago, I realized I am not wrong for being who I am. Now does this give me the right to bulldoze over others and be inconsiderate of their feelings or opinions, absolutely not, but it does give me permission to be me. I am not responsible for how others feel. If you feel uncomfortable or hurt it's your issue not mine. I can't make you feel anything you are responsible for your feelings. Does that make sense? Now I am not saying we aren't to be kind and considerate and if we are around those who tend to be more sensitive that we aren't conscious of our words and actions but in the end if you walk away from a situation and try to blame someone else for how you feel, sorry that's incorrect thinking. So freeing to my soul when I came to this realization. I am often blamed for how people feel. I am not responsible for your feelings I am responsible for mine!!
My calling, Young Women's President, has provided many opportunities lately of this coming into play. What a world we could all live in when blame stops and personal reflection begins. Do you know that when blame is present it is actually a signal that you feel out of control? Fascinating isn't it.
Anyway, I have really been doing a lot of introspection and learning about myself. I have to be honest and say I don't really like myself much. I have agreed to things I don't want to do pretty much my whole life. I live in the land of obligation. I do what I think I am expected to do rarely do something because I want to. I don't even know what I like anymore. I use to work my guts out daily all for nothing. Sure I have a healthy heart, but what I was after was a rock solid body similar to a fitness model with sculpted muscles and complete definition. I haven't achieved it yet. My body is a endomorph and that my friend is the hardest body type to manage. It's not impossible, but you have very little room for "falling off the band wagon" if you will. I am learning to be grateful for the body I have that carried 10 precious babies and allowed me to raise 5 of those amazing babies. I am grateful for the fact I am healthy and can do pretty much anything I ask of my body. I am 47 years old and I can hike 19 miles mostly uphill and still walk the next day for Petes sake. So please don't misunderstand I am grateful but what I have been dealing with is not achieving what I have been after my whole life. The fitness body physic. I have also been dealing and struggling with the fact that most people my age and stage of life don't have the same goals as I do. I don't really fit in anywhere. I have an amazing husband and daughters but I want friends. Even just one who gets me. I really thought I had that in a few people but when I needed them they just weren't available and didn't understand what I needed and upon sharing it turned into an awkward convo and to this day it isn't the same. I am lonely, so lonely. I do most of my daily tasks without a single word until Malia comes home from school or I pick the girls. Now, don't get me wrong I love my life for the most part just wish I had a friend. I have friends just not one specific friend who gets me.
I work out alone and because of that it has brought up intense sadness. I am social and I like partners. I really want to find someone who will workout with me again. I had a good gig for years with my friend Misty, dependable, she pushed me, she was real with me, she was amazing for the most part. Is that asking too much to find a replacement of Misty? I dont think so. So where does one find a partner? I have "interviewed" many but in the end no one has the drive I need or desire. I am thinking a personal trainer is my best bet but who's got that kind of money to shell out. Those are pricey but worth it!
Next thought, have you ever heard...."advice not asked for will always come across as criticism" Isn't that powerful and sound information to apply in your life? I am so guilty of sharing advice when it wasn't asked for and I honestly thought I was helping but I know it was taken as criticism now and it makes perfect sense to me why some friends don't reach out anymore. Recently I was contacted by a family member and was given advice that I did not ask for and this is exactly how I feel, criticized. Parenting adult children is tricky business. We share and teach and help our children all their lives and then one day its no longer acceptable to share and we have to find a new normal with adult children. I am grateful I get to learn this lesson on the first child and not on number 5. I have damage repair in motion right now and it sucks. I hope one day things will be resolved but for now it sucks and I ask for prayers. I do hope my children understand and honestly anyone who ever felt criticized by me because of advice shared that I never meant ill intent. I genuinely want to help others and when I see others doing things I have personal experience with I tend to be quick out of the gate to share. I am changing this aspect and do hope my change will be noticed and appreciated and past ways will be forgiven.
Just a few of my thoughts and emotions that I wanted out of my head and down on paper for my girls. I hope my legacy is full of I learned new things, recognized old patterns that didn't serve me, and I applied new thinking. I love deep and I value friendships..
